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2020

by Shin Guard

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1.
Motorcade 03:45
i am aware that we all have our share of defeat, no excuse for conceit. i won’t reach out for serenity. i’ll reveal my true identity. i feel the guilt that the privileged defy. i am one and the same, can’t deny how extreme the strength of my words can be. should i voice the unheard? i can try and remind that we have the ability to keep civility, so we can prevail on a much larger scale. we have tried to lessen the divide, but from what will we be saved since this evil’s man-made? you are so used to unlikely outcomes. when you think you will bring everyone together, you won’t reach past naïve. you don’t doubt the footprints you leave. you’re stirred up when they try to help you see where you’re wrong because they want you to be on their side. so agree, strengthen their stride. there we all stood so triumphantly, knowing we won’t die comfortably. it’s a war to make this go away, but we will obstruct his motorcade.
2.
Epiphany 02:38
here i go, thinking about what happens when my heart gives out; eyes dilate. before that, you will find me mapping out how i’ll play out my entire fate. i wish to die at my own hands, so follow my commands. ashes to ashes, i’m scattered along god knows where. if god knows anything, he’d save us all, but it’s in the air. the validity of any deity can’t be confirmed, but if it consoles you, i’ll leave that stone unturned. judgement’s clouded; a pariah i could pass surrounded, but we’ll all die alone. i’ve never felt this trinity. maybe i’m damned; infinitely doomed. i’ve been looking for signs, even in dreams. i’m not angry, it’s not what it seems. i wish to have this faith, your spawn, something to fall back on. some peace, at last, for all my friends who passed. you know i think that when i die, it won’t be far from closing eyes. people say that you are how they stay strong. nothing waits for them. i hope to god i’m wrong.
3.
i am an hourglass, though not in form. rather voice, dripping sand and sugar, and i am waiting for you to make a decision to turn me over for a new beginning or juggle what time you have left. i’m telling you seconds now, so close. now i’m saying tower now, lightening, flame. it’s unseasonably warm because this city wants you to move out on a rainy winter day, sofa soaking up drops of january since you promised yourself the snow would be the only thing to stop you. baggage in one hand, ego in the other. like scales teetering, your fingers are trembling through each chilled breeze. your season upon us, your season pulling you towards the next town to break. you can flip this city upside down into underworld, but i will not run away. you can turn the mon into styx and i will transform myself into persephone. i will endure, i will persist, i will learn to forgive myself. this is a constant checkmate sort of game. this is a constant comet hurdling forward, drawing our wreckage into its atmosphere, suffocating the stars around it. i can’t breathe around you. i can only wait. kore watching the sun fall, eager for spring, an hourglass, impatient, with a tangent to break.
4.
Kennedy 02:43
rose marie, you were conceived by billionaires who spat on your gold-plated silverware and due to the lack of a rationale, you were left near bereft in the birth canal, but it was your time to shine, your time to actuate, but you were falling behind when they could stand up straight, and it just didn’t seem right, but you could never tell if the numbers add up, or how that word is spelled. before you started your count, the standards were too high. you tried your hardest, but they won’t ever be satisfied. it all stirred up in your head and it made you erratic. your father didn’t hesitate to rearrange the schematics. immediate incision, you were expected to bleed. your words dissolved to the sound of erupting greed. unable to conceive this was over the fence, you’ve lost everything and you must start again. you’ll be locked away until you don’t know when. and while you sat there empty, staring, holding your breath, they had their way with women. they had their dance with death. eighty-six years you suffered. their curse made life concise. you could’ve left this sooner had they been more precise. hello hollow, null and gone; eternally withdrawn.
5.
2007 03:51
we are far from embers. so ready to engulf you. try to define us, but our future doesn’t involve you. you say “we don’t exist” and i “am my penis.” science knows you’re wrong and we’ll scream with the strength of venus. you told me about your gay friend and how he lived a quiet lifestyle. i found his repression depressing. i find this world so vile. there’s more than one perspective and it’s not bigotry. it’s the transcendence of this binary and heteronormativity, so show some fucking sympathy. you tell me “it’s generational.” do all open minds die young? i’m in constant fear of the day when i’m stubborn and high-strung to the point of invalidation.
6.
Sure 03:51
i clenched the railing. it all went through me. i was astounded by your beauty. my vision was enhanced, ridden with anxiety, but i couldn’t sit quietly. compelled to heal you, your scars were burning. you were so undeserving. a kiss couldn’t suffice. require patience, i want to pay reparations. will it ever be enough, my settlement? because my passion’s so immense, this sentiment. guaranteed that our secrets are always kept? then i’m sure this love was always meant to be. you know what this means to me? troubles have been dispelled and to think i’ve never felt so sure. i’m ready for a plague, desolate forever, as long as we leave together. a strength masculinity fears; this love is opalescent, something so ever present. i’ll lose my chains when i hear you call my name. no restraints.
7.
Spears 02:10
you were chased by relentlessness. always restate in endlessness. no sympathy; callous, faceless. they fixated on asphyxiation, checking out your check-in, trying to reap what you had. it’s in your hands now? under control? conjure water damage from the coldest sweat. you think you can manage, but how could they forget?
8.
“nice to meet you” is it really though? a hint of leering with a heartless glow. “heard a lot about you” from a couple of friends, what i hope i’ll never hear again. your touch is coarse, no sign of remorse. you leave them completely hollow. they’re all scared and ill-prepared to deal with what follows. “i’ll see you around then” but that’s not true. you’re so empty, i can see through. you can’t convey, you’ll start to decay when they hear what i’m about to say. truth is i’ve known this for a while. intent’s hidden behind your smile. your predatory intent, can’t count how much time you spent disingenuously claiming that you have just been framed. you have a way with getting away, but don’t you fret. all of your plans will go awry. i hope to god you’re petrified. i hope you burn much worse than what you left inside her mind. you will be held accountable for your actions this time. your eyes lack depth and life. maybe, for once, you’ll feel confined. maybe we’ll see it haunt you if somehow the stars align. alas, the way you’re built suggests you cannot fathom guilt. it eats your prey alive and somehow, you’re still deprived. maybe that’s what takes its place. at least i have your face, your name, your everything, but it’ll never be enough. how many trials will it take to call every bluff? there’s so many of you.

credits

released February 13, 2019

shin guard:
owen - guitar, lyrics
alex - guitar
jake - bass
ryan - drums
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indigo baloch - spoken word and poetry on “soliloquy of the hourglass”
jarrett krause - saxophone
ryan veith - backup vocals
seth scantlen - painting
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recorded december 2018 - january 2019 at cafe verona
produced by shin guard
shinguardpgh@gmail.com

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Shin Guard Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

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